While not required in BDSM, pain is very common. There are two main types of pain, physical and emotional. That means there are double the ways for someone to become hurt or harmed.
What’s the difference between hurt and harm?
To hurt is to cause pain that goes away on its own. Hurt might need extra attention, like a bandaid, or an ice pack, or some really good snuggles, but it doesn’t require the services of a professional.
To harm is to cause pain that does not go away on its own. Harm needs professional assistance before it can heal. That assistance could come from someone like a doctor or a therapist.
Does harm equal abuse?
Harm can happen even when everyone involved is prepared and being super careful. This is why BDSM is dangerous. We kinksters like to specify the difference between BDSM and abuse as giving consent. I don’t think anyone following a safety philosophy in BDSM would say they consent to a broken bone. Just as I don’t think anyone would consent to be emotionally harmed. The fact is, it still hurts, even if it wasn’t done on purpose. So, in this case, intentional or not, I would say yes, harm equals abuse.
Can one activity hurt you, but harm someone else?
Yes absolutely. Everyone is different. Not everyone can take the same level of pain. Communication and understanding your partner’s limits is one of the best ways to prevent harm.
What are some borderline activities between the two?
Pain play and emotional play can definitely straddle the line between hurt and harm. Not all pain play and not all emotional play, but some aspects of each.
What is self-masochism?
I haven’t really seen this term before, but I’m going to define it as I understand it because I feel that it’s important. Self-masochism is receiving pleasure by inflicting pain on yourself. This can be done in many different ways, and it is a legit kink. Self-Impact (giving yourself pain by striking yourself with an item) is definitely the most popular self-masochistic method that I’ve seen. But there are other methods too, like putting clamps or clothespins/pegs on different areas of your body.
How is self-masochism different from self-harm?
This one is huge. Self-harm is a slippery slope, one that should be avoided at all costs. Self-masochism is inflicting pain on yourself for pleasure. Self-harm is inflicting pain on yourself as a way to cope with anger, depression, frustration, or emotional pain. The main difference here is intent, the reason behind the pain. If it’s being done as a means of coping, then do not do it.
I enjoy self-impact, and I participate in it fairly often. There was one instance where I was really upset and craving a self-impact session. I was in a negative headspace and wanting to do the impact to punish myself because I felt like it would make me feel better. Luckily I did not cross that line. I had a good support system around me, where I was able to vocalize my thoughts and intentions, and I was heavily warned against doing the self-impact. The only difference between what I usually do compared to what I wanted to do in that moment was the reason behind it, the intent. This is why self-harm is so dangerous. Because if you are unable to differentiate between the two, it can become an addiction. One that you rely on to help you cope, instead focusing on the problem. And that right there is what distinguishes it as harm instead of hurt.
If you feel that you do self- masochistic activities that fall under self-harm, I encourage you to recognize it for what it is. Be honest with yourself, and then reach out to someone for help. If you don’t feel like you can’t talk to someone that you know, here is a list of international helplines sorted by country. https://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline
How can you prevent harm?
Unfortunately, you can’t completely prevent harm. But you can do things to reduce the possibility of harm. Communication is the most significant factor in preventing harm. Emotional harm is the more difficult type of harm to heal. Speak up about your triggers or when something hurts your feelings, even if you think it’s not important. Do not be afraid to use your safeword! It’s there for your protection in and out of a play scene.
In BDSM, hurt is often a goal, while harm never is. Hurt can lead to growth. Hurt can lead to bonding between partners. Harm is something we want to avoid at all costs. Harm is damaging, and while it can be mended, it can also have lasting effects. Be safe, be kinky, and stay curious.
Helplines sorted by country- https://kinkycuriosity.com/bdsm-vs-abuse/
