One of (if not the) biggest misconceptions of BDSM is that it is very abusive. That people who participate in BDSM are brainwashed. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

When done right, BDSM can be so beneficial to your mental, emotional, and physical health. But BDSM in the wrong context can harbor abuse. This is why it’s essential to discuss what abuse is and how you can protect yourself in the best ways possible.

There are lots of different actions that, when seen from the vanilla world, could be considered abusive, like slapping, for example. So what differentiates one action from being abusive or not?

Consent!

Consent, simply put, is agreeing to a specific activity.

However, consent is all but simple. What if a submissive were to agree to a specific type of play scene?  During the scene that the submissive consented to, something happens that they were against or didn’t want to happen? They can and should definitely safeword, of course. But if it happened and they agreed to it, is it abuse? Is the Dominant or Top at fault?

There is a huge difference between consent and informed consent. Consent is agreeing to something, whereas informed consent is understanding and agreeing to the risks involved with the activity you are going to participate in.

But can you truly give informed consent? I’d argue no because we can’t ever really understand everything that could go wrong. However, this isn’t an excuse for someone not to inform themselves of the possible hazards of play they are about to take part in.

How can one try to prevent abuse?

While you can’t prevent everything, nor can you control other people, there are things you can do to help reduce the possibility of abuse.

• Educate yourself on the hazards of the play you are planning to do.
• Have a course of action set out where you know what to do in case something does go wrong.
• Communicate with your partner(s) about your wants, needs, limits, and expectations.  You cannot expect your partner(s) to be a mind reader.  The statement “Well, they should have known” holds no bearing in BDSM.
• Be aware of behavioral red flags. (Being pushy, being manipulative, etc.) If it feels wrong or off, then it probably is.

What do you do if you’ve been abused or are being abused?

If you can, talk to your partner(s) about what happened, what went wrong, and how it can be changed.

If you can’t talk to your partner(s), you have to talk to someone: a family member, a friend, a coworker, the police.

BDSM and Kink do not equal abuse. There is no place in either to overlook/disregard abuse. If it’s not consensual, then it’s not BDSM.

I included a link to a great resource of international helplines sorted by countries.  If you’re in an abusive relationship, you are stronger than you think, and you can take that first step towards change.

https://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline

Remember to be kinky and always stay curious!