Have you ever been in a relationship where it didn’t satisfy you, or you weren’t happy?  I’d be willing to bet it was because your needs weren’t being met.  But how do you know if it’s something you need or just want?  Let’s find out.

What is the difference between wants and needs?

A need is what someone must have.  A need is not negotiable.

A want is what someone would like to have.  A want is negotiable.

How do you determine what you need?

This one takes some inner reflection.  Make a list.  Write down everything you can think of that you want or would like to be included in a dynamic.  Don’t worry about being selective.  This isn’t the final list.  If it crosses your mind, write it down.  (I will usually take a day or two to make my list. If I have to do it in a short amount of time, it will be rushed.  I also tend to forget about a lot of things at first, only to go back and add to the list later.) Once you have your list, and you feel that it is pretty accurate, go through and put a mark by the ones that you would become unhappy if they were omitted.  Rewrite your new list with the items that were marked.  Have one more look over the list.  Truly contemplate each item on the list.  Could you be happy in a relationship/dynamic without that item?  If the answer is no, then it is a need. 

There are definitely situations where you might list something as a want, only to realize later that it is indeed a need or vise versa. Wants and needs can and do change often, and that’s perfectly ok.  If that happens, communicate it to your partner as soon as you realize it. 

I don’t know what my needs might be. Can you give some examples?

This by no means is all the possible needs that there are. Nor does it mean they can’t be classified as wants.  But some things to consider as potential needs are: what type of communication you need, sexual intercourse or play, what kind/how much affection, specific kink play, strict or relaxed expectations, what type/how much attention, structure in the dynamic, and D/s in daily life or just in the bedroom. 

What is the D/s hierarchy of wants and needs?

There is a hierarchy of Dominant/submissive wants and needs that I’ve seen floating around.  I’m not sure who first posted it, but it states by order of attention:

Doesn’t the D/s hierarchy make a submissive’s needs more important than a Dominant’s needs?

No, it just puts the responsibility of the Dominant higher than the responsibility of the submissive.  When a Dominant takes on a submissive, it is their responsibility to ensure the submissive’s needs are taken care of.

Obviously, there can be an exception where the Dominant’s needs should be prioritized above the submissive’s needs.  But in general, a submissive’s needs have to be met for them to truly give up control to the Dominant and submit.  If their needs aren’t being met, how can they trust that the Dominant can take care of them and have their best interest in mind?

What if my needs aren’t being met?

Then you should renegotiate your wants and needs with your partner.  Communicate your needs and expectations and see if it was a misunderstanding/miscommunication or if the dynamic truly can’t meet your needs.  If so, then you should reevaluate the dynamic as a whole.

Are my wants as a submissive not important?

Of course they are important, but they aren’t the most important thing.  As a submissive, you enter a D/s dynamic to get what you need, not necessarily to get what you want.  And it’s important to remember that.  It’s up to the Dominant to determine if the want is to be granted or not.  As hard as that can be for a submissive to not get their way, that’s the beauty of power exchange and submission.  This is also why it’s super important to make sure your needs are negotiated and articulated properly.

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Wants and needs are important for any dynamic.  They help establish happiness at the basic level.  If you don’t know what your needs are, then your partner won’t either.  Once needs are communicated, regardless of your role, it’s essential for both parties to focus on the other’s needs to keep their partner happy and satisfied.  Communicate, and explore while you enjoy the lifestyle together.  And remember, always be kinky, and stay curious!