Three terms that get used incorrectly or interchangeably in BDSM are Discipline, Punishment, and Funishment. These words are not the same, and they have distinct differences. Misusing them can confuse, send the wrong message, or trigger someone unintentionally. So what’s the difference, and why is it important that you know? Let’s find out.
What is discipline?
Discipline is teaching someone how to behave correctly or complete a desired task. It is setting expectations, guidelines, and rules. Discipline is having accountability for the Dominant and the submissive. It’s using verbal and non-verbal communication as a form of correction or giving suggestions for correcting behavior or action.
Why do all parties need to have accountability?
Accountability is vital for both roles. If a Dominant gives a rule or task and then never follows up on it, never enforces it, and never lays out consequences for it, do you really think it will be followed? How would the Dom know if it was?
As for submissives, holding yourself accountable for rules and tasks you are given shows that you respect and appreciate the effort your Dominant puts in to create the structure and guidelines you need. Following rules can be difficult, but making those personalized rules to fit the submissive’s needs can be even more challenging. But I hear you, if the Dominant doesn’t check in, they don’t care, right? Wrong, they are human, and maybe they had a busy day or string of days. I have a solution, though.
Self-reporting. Self-reporting evenly distributes the responsibility of being accountable in a dynamic, regarding rules and tasks. With self-reporting, it is the responsibility of the submissive to report when they have or have not completed a task as well as when they have not followed a rule. This takes out the loophole where if the Dom doesn’t ask, then the sub doesn’t tell. It removes the disappointment from the subs view that the Dominant doesn’t care or doesn’t know when something was completed or not. This doesn’t remove the responsibility of following up from the Dominant. It just distributes it where it’s not solely on the Dominant’s shoulders. If you are interested in incorporating self-reporting into your dynamic, talk to your partner.
What is the difference between discipline and punishment?
Discipline is teaching or training a desired behavior or action. Punishment is issuing a consequence for a misbehavior or incorrect action.
What does punishment consist of?
First, let me address “Can a D/s dynamic not use punishment?”. Sure, everyone has different styles. But let me explain why I think punishment is important.
First and foremost, punishment is not given when the Dominant is angry. It is not handed out when upset. If the Dominant is mad, they should step back and cool down. Then they should address and administer the punishment when they have a clear head and are not reacting emotionally.
Punishment is earned. It is given when a submissive breaks (or forgets) a rule, and when they don’t complete a task correctly. Punishment should be an action that neither the Dominant nor submissive enjoys. If it’s something the submissive enjoys, then it’s not a suitable punishment for that person.
Punishment offers a way for a submissive to atone for their wrongdoing and then move on. Lots of submissives (myself included) struggle with the disappointment factor when they get in trouble, not only for disappointing their Dominant but for disappointing themselves. (We are our own worst critic after all). Completing a punishment allows the submissive to not dwell in the disappointment. “Yes, you did wrong. Yes, you were punished for it. No, you may not dwell in the disappointment. The punishment is over. You will not continue to beat yourself up over the wrongdoing.” This is, in my opinion, a crucial expectation a Dominant should set with their submissive. Punishment leads to forgiveness. Once the punishment is over, it should not be referenced, mentioned, or brought up again.
What if I don’t want to do a punishment because it will trigger me?
Punishments, as well as virtually everything else in BDSM, should be negotiated. Years ago, I came across a punishment checklist in a book I read. The links to the checklist, unfortunately, do not work anymore, nor do the avenues to contact the author. So I recreated the checklist. However, I did make a few minor changes and additions. The book that the checklist comes from is Discipline: Adding Rules & Discipline To Your BDSM Relationship by Lily Lloyd. The checklist I recreated is here. I will link it again at the bottom of the page.
What kind of aftercare does punishment require?
This is very important. Talk with your partner. Negotiate and discuss what they need and what you need. Some people need space after a punishment. Some people need reassurance and affection. Aftercare is essential for their mental mindset after a punishment is complete.
Should a safeword be available during a punishment?
Absolutely. While a safeword should never be used as a manipulation to get out of a punishment, it should be there for the safety of everyone involved. Don’t be afraid to use it if you need to.
What is funishment?
Funishment is commonly called punishment, even though the two are completely different. Funishment is a type of play where one consensually pushes their rules or their Dominant to earn an enjoyable consequence that is disguised as being in trouble.
For example, if a sub wants to be spanked, they may do something bratty towards their Dominant to try and earn a spanking.
What is the difference between punishment and funishment?
The difference is punishment is not fun. It is not enjoyable, and it is not playing, whereas funishment is. Funishment leads to pleasure for both Dominant and submissive.
Is there anything to be aware of regarding funishment?
Yes! Do not try to earn a funishment without discussing it with your partner first. Misbehaving to earn a funishment can lead to punishment if both Dominant and submissive are not on the same page.
Also, not everyone does funishment. I personally don’t. If I feel like I’m in trouble in any way, it ruins the whole scene for me. I don’t need to mix the kinks and activities that I enjoy with the possibility of feeling that I’m in trouble. If I want a spanking, I ask for one and let my Dominant decide if I get one.
That being said, funishment is very popular and enjoyed by a lot of people. It’s playful and fun. Just make sure you communicate and negotiate about the effects of funishment for you.
Discipline, punishment, and funishment have large impacts in BDSM. Each one has it’s own need and necessity. Understanding the difference allows one to focus on, address, and set them up as their needs require. Whether you enjoy a strict structure or a more lenient agreement, you do you while being kinky and staying curious.
Punishment Checklist
