Negotiations are so important in BDSM when it comes to setting up a play scene or a power exchange relationship with your partner.  Putting effort into sharing your opinions and understanding your partner’s opinions as well, will only make everything that much more enjoyable and safe.

What are negotiations?

Negotiations are the period of discussion where you cover your likes, wants, needs, expectations, and limits before you play or begin a dynamic.

Why are negotiations so important?

They are important because this is when you give consent, when you set your boundaries, and when you ask questions.    This is when you set what will and will not happen with your partner. 

What type of negotiations are there?

There are two basic types of negotiations: Scene negotiations and Dynamic negotiations.

Scene negotiations are negotiations done prior to a play scene and are usually done with a play partner. 

Dynamic negotiations are negotiations done prior to agreeing to commit to a power exchange relationship.

Scene, dynamic, and checklist are words that are commonly used in BDSM or Kink. Let’s define them.

A scene is another word for a period of play, sexual or asexual.

A dynamic means a power exchange relationship.  You can have different types of dynamics, but they are all some type of Dom/sub relationship.

A BDSM checklist can help tremendously when negotiating. A BDSM Checklist (also known as submissive checklist) is an extensive list of kinks, activities, limits, and BDSM equipment that you can go through and select what you want to experience, what you might be willing to experience, or what you do not want to experience at all.  While most checklists are geared towards submissives, I personally think it’s an excellent idea for Dominants to fill one out as well for their partner.

Are negotiations optional?

I would argue no.  Can you play with someone without negotiating?  Yes. Should you?  No, absolutely not.

Negotiations are essential for safety. They make sure informed consent is given and understood, and they make sure everyone involved is on the same page. 

I think it’s important to note that negotiations do not have to happen in one sit-down session.  It can happen very casually over a length of time.  It does not have to be rushed, and it does not have to be covered in one conversation.  (How many times do you make a shopping list, and add something to it later that you forgot?)

What should be negotiated before you start a dynamic?

• Vetting: while I feel vetting should happen before negotiations, they can intertwine.  Vetting is the process where you screen your potential partner to make sure they are a reputable person, are a good match for you, and have your best interest in mind.
• Time: your availability
• Expectations: what you expect from your partner.  Assumptions do nothing.  Remember, communication is essential.
• Needs: things that you have to get from your dynamic.  Things you feel are non-negotiable. 
• Wants: things that you want to be included in your dynamic, things you want to do or experience
• Kinks: all of your kinks.  Things you might be interested in but haven’t tried.  Things you are unsure about.
• Limits: things you don’t want to do or experience.  It’s important to discuss your hard limits as well as your soft limits.  Also, set up and discuss your safewords. (I discuss limits and safewords here)
• Safety: STD testing/info, birth control methods, scene safety, etc.

What needs to be negotiated before you have a play scene?

• Vetting: while I feel vetting should happen before you agree to any play scene, they can intertwine.
• Time: your availability
• Expectations: what you expect from the scene.  Do you want to give or receive marks from the scene?  Where on the body can the marks be?
• Wants: what you want to happen during the scene
• Needs: things that you need to happen during the scene
• Limits: things you don’t want to do or experience.  It’s important to discuss your hard limits as well as your soft limits.  Also, set up and discuss your safewords.
• Scene location and meet up info: where and when you will meet up? Where will you play?  How long do you expect the scene to last?
• Safety: STD testing/info, birth control methods, scene safety, etc.

What are renegotiations?

Renegotiations are generally for dynamics unless you have an ongoing agreement with a play partner.  They are essential because in the BDSM lifestyle, as people learn, experience, and understand more, they evolve, which can cause their kinks and limits to change.  Renegotiations are going back and looking over/making needed changes to your agreement that you have previously consented to with your partner. 

Renegotiations should happen for several reasons.  When a dynamic is new, negotiations should be revisited at least every 90 days for the first six months.  This is the time when you are learning each other and adjusting to how you do power exchange together.

If you are not in a new dynamic, you should have a renegotiation period at least once a year.  Even if nothing needs to be changed, it’s good to go back over everything just to make sure.

Renegotiations should also happen when any major life events occur like a move, a new job, living arrangements change, death in the family, or someone close to you.  Real-life happens, and while D/s isn’t fake, sometimes other things take precedence.  Renegotiations are essential during this time.

It’s also a good idea to renegotiate when you are having issues in your dynamic.  Maybe you feel you don’t get the attention you need, or your dynamic with your partner isn’t as satisfying as you expected.  Anytime issues arise, renegotiations are an excellent way to get back on the same page and see where things got off.  Maybe expectations aren’t matching and need to be adjusted, or you thought you’d have more time than you actually do.  Renegotiate!

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This all boils down to communication.  Negotiations are the best way to build a strong foundation or have a successful scene.  Negotiations can be verbal, or they can be written (where you write down what was agreed to).  Either way, whichever works best for you, make sure you are completely open and honest.  Not speaking up and giving your opinion only hurts and hinders what you are trying to set up: your scene or your dynamic. Remember to be kinky and stay curious!