Finding someone in BDSM or Kink who shows interests as a partner or play partner is exciting! But how do you know they are a good, viable option? How do you know that you will make a good match? Vetting!
What is vetting?
Vetting is the process where you screen a person to make sure they are reputable, trustworthy, and a good match for you.
What are some scenarios where vetting can be used?
Vetting can be used for three things, getting to know a potential partner for a BDSM dynamic, getting to know a potential play partner for a scene, and for entry into a local BDSM group.
Why is vetting important?
Vetting is important for many reasons. Getting to know someone better will help build trust and establish safety. It also helps to ensure that not only are everyone’s expectations similar, but that you are a good match for them, and they are a good match for you.
While it’s important to be open and honest, being safe is essential. It’s ok to give your first name or scene name, and your age, but until you are comfortable and trust them, keep the more personal identifying information to yourself. Do not share your last name, your address, or places that you often visit, like where you work.
What are some questions to ask while vetting?
Anything and everything you can think of. If it crosses your mind, ask. Aside from that, a few years ago, I compiled a list of questions from multiple posts on Instructor144’s Tumbler page that I highly recommend when vetting for a potential play partner or dynamic. (You can check out his Tumblr page here)
- What is your role in BDSM, and what does it mean to you?
- How did you learn about BDSM? Do you feel that you still have something to learn?
- What are you looking for from a relationship? (Short-term, long-term, play partners, etc.)
- What are your non-negotiable terms?
- Monogamy or poly? Do you share or want to play with others?
- Tell me five things that make you angry. How do you handle being angry?
- Tell me about your last two dynamics. How and why did the relationships end?
- What are your thoughts on aftercare, and how do you approach it?
- What are your favorite play scenes? How do you prepare for a scene?
- What are your favorite tools/toys? How did you learn how to use them?
- Do you like to drink before playing to loosen up?
- Have you ever had to deal with someone who went into subspace/Dom space? What about drop?
- Are you willing to do STD testing with me, so we are both safe?
- What are your expectations for me regarding accountability? How would you be accountable to me?
By no means are these the only questions you should ask, but it should give you a solid foundation on where to start. Most of these questions help develop a knowledge base for you. However, there are a few that are strategic. Let’s go over those.
How do you handle being angry- this is an important question to ask, because everybody handles anger differently. There are definitely red flags to be aware of regarding violent tendencies. Even verbal outbursts or prolonged ignoring can cause an issue. Discuss this part thoroughly and advocate what you are and are not ok with.
Tell me about your last two dynamics– while two consecutive failed dynamics or play partners can just be bad luck, pay attention to patterns of behavior that can cause issues.
Do you like to drink before play– I feel very strongly about no alcohol before play. Save it until after. But honestly, why is it such a big deal? Because BDSM and Kink can be dangerous. And everyone needs to be on top of their game to be aware as possible so they can spot potential risks. If you are intoxicated and relaxed, how can I trust that you are able to keep me safe when a potential problem arises? The last thing that anyone needs is for someone to get hurt, and have alcohol be a contributing factor to the severity of the injuries. Drink after!
Are you willing to take an STD test– if they aren’t willing, then safety isn’t their priority.
What are some resources you can use to vet someone?
Nowadays, you can find anything on the internet. While I’m not telling you to run a background check on someone, check out their social media accounts, specifically Fetlife. Fetlife is a great way to see what someone’s ultimate Kink goal is.
If they are a part of their local scene, asking the Dungeon Master (DM), their opinion of the potential partner will go a long away. Do not be afraid to ask to speak with their kink friends or acquaintances. If they have a good relationship, ask to speak with their ex-partners.
All of this being said, don’t be a stalker. It’s one thing to vet and be open about making contact with people they know. It’s an entirely different thing to do it secretively.
When should vetting be done, and how long should the vetting process last?
Vetting typically should be done before or during an under consideration period, where one gets to know their potential partner, and considers progressing towards a dynamic or scene with them. As for how long vetting should last, it depends on the person or situation. I’ve seen it recommended for 90 days. But I recommend just be organic. Don’t rush through it by any means. Take your time to get to know them and take as long as you need.
Is vetting one-sided?
Absolutely not. Vetting is and should be done by all parties involved.
You mentioned vetting for local BDSM groups. They have to vet me?
Munches are vanilla meetups of kinky people. It’s usually open to anyone that wants to come. No play happens at a munch. It’s basically a group of like-minded people getting together and hanging out in a public place.
A lot of people practice BDSM discreetly for multiple reasons. Because of this, it’s essential to make sure those who are allowed into events and play parties can be discreet and match the needs of the group. (The last thing any BDSM community needs is someone running to the police and reporting that this person was abusing that person during a consensual impact scene). One of the easiest ways a new person can be vetted for access into a local scene is by having someone in the community vouch for them. If you don’t know anyone in the local community, fear not! Another way to gain access and get vetted is by being active in the community. Go to the munches, and participate in their groups on Fetlife. Get to know them, and they will get to know you.
Vetting is important because it helps ensure the safety of everyone involved. It helps you know the person you are interested in and starts the foundation of building the trust you need. Taking the time to vet a potential will only make it that much better in the future (or it will save you from a lot of heartache). Either way, it’s a win-win. Be kinky and stay curious!
