BDSM Rules and Tasks: Structure, Accountability, and Power Exchange

I’m a stickler for structure.  I feel submissives can be their best when they have responsibilities and expectations to follow.  Rules and tasks provide the framework that I use to guide and teach them in the ways I desire.  So let’s discuss what they are and why I feel they are important.

What are rules?

Rules in BDSM are a list of expectations that, once agreed on, should be done when specified without prompting.  Rules should be negotiated and discussed before they are carried out. 

When giving rules in a new dynamic, I recommend giving a few at a time.  Build up the rules list slowly, instead of enforcing a whole list of unfamiliar rules all at once.  Enforcing many rules at once can set the submissive up for failure and establish a feeling of discouragement from the start.

What is the purpose of rules?

Rules provide structure.  They also establish power exchange and set responsibilities and expectations.

Can you have unwritten rules?

Absolutely.  You can’t write down everything that is expected.  Some things are a given, like showing respect from both sides of the slash.

However, if an unwritten rule is broken, don’t assume the submissive knows what the rule is. Communicate, and use discipline as your means of correction, not punishment.

Can rules change?

Rules can and do change.  Life happens, and situations occur.  A new job, new family member, health complications, living arrangements, etc. can all contribute to a need for rules to change.  Or quite possibly it’s as simple as a rule not working like it should for a change to be made.

For any instance when a rule changes or a major life situation occurs, renegotiate.  Renegotiations help make sure everyone is on the same page, and expectations align.  Even without a major change, rules should be renegotiated.  For a new dynamic, I recommend renegotiating every three months for the first year.  After that, once a year, unless a major life change occurs.

What are tasks?

Tasks are something given to a submissive to do or to complete.  The most important thing about tasks is they should have a purpose.  Don’t just give a task to give a task.  If a task feels like “busy work,” the sub is more likely to slack on the task.  Task progress or completion should always be communicated.  Whether your style is self-reporting or check-ins, always follow up and make sure the tasks are done or are progressing.

What’s the difference between a rule and a task?

A rule is something that is negotiated and given to a submissive.  Rules, once in place, are recurring.  They should be followed, and are expected to be done, usually without prompts.

When a task is given and completed, it doesn’t need to be continued.  Once complete, the task is over. (unless it is given again)  They are not recurring.  Tasks do not need to be negotiated, but safewords should be discussed and ready to be used if needed.

Why are tasks important?

Any time the Dominant wants the submissive focusing on something, a task is a great way to implement that focus.  Be creative.  When it comes to tasks, the only limit is your imagination.

Tasks can also be used when a Dominant is busy or working or on vacation.  They are super helpful when the Dominant is short on availability and time, but the submissive is not.  Instead of the submissive waiting around until the Dominant is available, a task can be given for the submissive to focus on when the Dominant can’t be present.  By using tasks in this way, the submissive can submit and focus on the Dominant even when the Dom is busy.

Tasks can be given daily, weekly, or when needed. Structure them around the wants or needs of your dynamic.

Are there different types of rules and tasks?

There are. I have come to the conclusion that there are eleven different categories of rules and tasks. The examples I have included are not mandatory, nor are they the only examples for each category. Some examples may work better as tasks, whereas some may work better as rules. But the categories can be used to come up with both rules and tasks.

• Health-based: These are rules or task that may include diet, exercise, or personal care.  Examples: Drink a certain amount of water, Exercise for at least 30 mins, or Specific grooming preferences.
• Appearance-based: These are rules or tasks that may include clothing, makeup, hair, or accessory specifications.  Examples: Having clothing or undergarments chosen by Dominant, Designated color to wear, or Wear hair a certain way or for a specific time.
• Behavior-based: These are rules or tasks that may include honorifics, manners, behavior protocols, and some safety protocols.  Examples: How to properly address the Dominant, Always thank the Dominant, Anytime the submissive goes to the kitchen, they ask the Dominant if they would like something, or Have the submissive set out items to be used during a scene and making sure they are clean and in proper working order.
• Mindset-based: These are rules or tasks that may include permission before doing an action, kneeling/positions, or focus tasks to remind of role.  Examples: Ask permission before you get dressed, Kneel for 10 mins while focused on posture, or Place both hands in lap for 5 seconds before submissive may eat.
• Communication-based: These are rules or tasks that may include greetings, check-ins, expressing concerns , or informed actions.  Examples: Say good morning as soon as you wake, Set specific times throughout the day to expect communication, Always disclose apprehension or nervous to Dominant or Let the Dominant know when the submissive goes somewhere.
• Service-based: These are rules or tasks that may include housework, preparing meals, or bringing the Dominant items.  Examples: Clean out the closet, Have dinner ready for the Dominant at a specific time, or Bring the Dominant their coffee every morning.
• Skill-based: These are rules or tasks that may include learning a new skill, improving a known skill, or practicing a skill.  Examples: Research a kink you are interested in, Work on a new rope tie that you’ve never tried before, or With a toy, practice throat training.
• Improvement-based: These are rules or tasks that may include focusing on a specific component to improve physical, mental, or emotional well-being as well as focused learning on safety aspects for specific kinks.  Examples: Journaling, Update resume to help with a job hunt, No negative self-talk, only positive affirmations or Research and write an essay on the dangers and precautions of rope play.
• Financial-based: These are rules or tasks that may include allowances, keeping a budget, or asking permission for purchases.  Examples: Have an allowance/reward system, Keep a monthly budget, or Ask permission for nonessential purchases.
• Public-based: These are rules or tasks that may include expected behavior in public, expected honorifics when in public, or expectations in public.  Examples: Submissive waits until the Dominant takes their first bite of food to begin eating, Approved name/title to call the Dominant in public, or The Dominant orders the submissive’s food.
• Sexual-based: These are rules or tasks that may include sexual expectations, protocols, or permissions.  Examples: Always be sexually available for Dominant within the constraints of agreed-upon limits, Always thank the Dominant after orgasm, or Ask permission to give the Dominant fellatio every night before bed.

At their core, rules and tasks aren’t about control for its own sake. They create structure, reinforce accountability on both sides, and give power exchange meaning in daily life.

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Rules and tasks are the essence of a power exchange dynamic.  They are what keeps it running smoothly.  Tasks typically are underutilized. They are a great tool to help redirect focus and establish the submissive’s mindset.  Communicate, negotiate, and be creative.  You may be surprised by what you come up with.  Be kinky, and stay curious!