How do you navigate BDSM when you’re new? How do you spot red flags when you don’t know what to look for? How do you find a candidate when you don’t know what traits are good and bad? Is there any way you can navigate the lifestyle in a safer, less vulnerable way? Yes, by finding a protector!
What is a protector?
A protector is a person in BDSM, that one knows and is comfortable with, who is not new to the lifestyle. A protector is someone that has consented to help a protectee find good potential partners, and help identify and remove potentially harmful ones.
What does under protection mean?
When someone agrees to be under the protection of someone else, that means they have agreed to have the protector help screen people for them, whether it be for play or a potential partner.
Do I have to have a protector?
No, absolutely not. Not everyone needs or wants a protector. But if you are new, having a protector can help protect you. BDSM can be dangerous. There are a lot of people out there who participate in kink, but they do not understand how to do it safely. Protectors can help you identify and weed through those people who appear to have harmful tendencies.
What are things protectors do and do not do?
Protectors are strictly there to help someone find a good match. They can set rules and expectations regarding communicating with others. (All of this should be negotiated and consented to before agreeing to an under protection period)
Protectors don’t play around with their protectee. There’s no sexual exchange. They do not give kink tasks, nor do they give BDSM rules.
How does someone find a protector?
By finding a community, whether it be local or online, and making friends within that community. Finding like-minded people and getting to know them is the best way to surround yourself with people who have a good knowledge base for you to learn from.
Who can be a protector?
A protector can be any role. They can be a Dominant, a Switch, or a submissive. While most Dominants usually will take on a protector type role naturally, I have known submissives who were good protectors too.
For example, a submissive can be a protector for a newer Dominant. The role of the person doesn’t matter. It’s more about their knowledge of what to look for and their ability to spot red flags. It’s also important that the protector knows the person well. That way, they can help identify wants vs. needs of the protectee, and with that knowledge, they can help the protectee find a potential partner that fits them.
Who can go under protection?
Anyone. Dominants, Switches, and submissives.
What are some common things that can happen during an under protection period?
A protector can set expectations for their protectee. They could monitor all incoming messages of potentials that the person under protection receives. They could help monitor negotiations with a potential, making sure needs are covered. They could also help the person under protection with the vetting process. Watch out for any red flags, and make sure things don’t get looked over. (Also, keep in mind that everyone does an under protection period differently. The activities listed are not mandatory for a protector to do.)
Why might someone need protection?
One might need to go under protection if they have had difficulty finding a compatible partner in the past. Also, they might seek protection if a previous partner has hurt them because they missed, overlooked, or didn’t recognize major red flags. A third reason for needing protection could be because they are new and overwhelmed, and they do not know what to look out for regarding a potential partner.
How long should someone be under protection?
As long as needed, or until they find a suitable partner. However, a specific time frame can be set. It just depends on the preferences of those involved.
Are there any negatives to being under the protection of someone?
Yes! When someone has a protector, that can deter others (potential partners) from getting to know the protectee. When you have to communicate with a protector present, it can make some feel uncomfortable. It can also keep the protectee and the potential from developing a connection.
Weigh the pros and cons. Having a protector can be very valuable and save one from a lot of heartaches, but it can also be a deterrent. Also, keep in mind that while having a protector does not guarantee a lasting dynamic, it can definitely improve the chances.
Who can end a protection period?
Anyone involved. Protector or protectee can end the protection at any time during an under protection period.
I think it’s imporant to note that a protector can be a mentor too, but that’s not necessary. Protectors and mentors are two different roles, and have different goals. But it isn’t uncommon for someone to combine the two and be both.
If you think you need a protector, do not join a community specifically for that reason. Get to know people first. Don’t be pushy or overly needy. Protecting someone can be a lot of work, and not everyone has the time or frankly wants to.
If you want to be someone’s protector, don’t demand or be forceful. Not everyone wants someone to monitor who they talk to. Offer to help them, but don’t be offended if they decline the offer.
Sometimes the best form of protection is the one we can’t give ourselves. And remember guys, be kinky and stay curious!
