One of the things I’ve come across repeatedly in the dating pool when I explain to someone that I am into BDSM, is they think I mean that I like rough sex, I like to be tied up, and I like to be spanked. And while they might not be entirely wrong, when I explain that I enjoy rules and structure and thrive in expectations, they always say that they didn’t know that was a thing. They didn’t realize that part of BDSM existed.
So, what do you think of when you think of BDSM? What comes to mind, whips and chains, spankings, and rough sex? Yes, BDSM can include those things, but when I think of BDSM, I think of a way of life, rules, structure, and respect. I think of something that does not have to happen in the bedroom, something that can exist in every aspect of daily life.
What is a BDSM dynamic?
A dynamic in BDSM is a relationship involving two (or more) people who have consented about how they will interact, scene, and explore BDSM together.
There are generally three types of BDSM dynamics, play dynamic, lifestyle dynamic, and temporary dynamic.
Play dynamics, also known as bedroom only dynamics, are when people participate in BDSM activities (sometimes in bedroom) that end when the scene is over. All BDSM elements and play stops when the activities are completed. An example of this could be having a play partner whom you meet with to have a rope bondage scene or an impact scene. It could be sexual or asexual, but when the scene ends, all BDSM activity ends.
Whereas with lifestyle dynamics, the BDSM elements continue even after a scene. Lifestylers generally are found to dabble in power exchange (D/s or M/s). But how do you continue bondage or impact after the scene? You don’t. But you can with power exchange. One can set up rules and structure for a submissive to follow even when they aren’t being tied up or having kinky sex. The submissive can follow rules even when they are making a run to the local grocery store. Rules that could be as simple as, if the submissive leaves their home, always make sure to bring a charged cellphone with them. Or, may be they aren’t allowed to wear underwear when leaving their home that day. The rules and structure are always communicated, negotiated, and agreed to before they are practiced, but this type of BDSM play extends beyond their play scene into their everyday life.
The third type of dynamic is a temporary dynamic. It is a mix of play and lifestyle but on a time limit. I personally have only ever seen this type of dynamic online. And it can have its pros and cons, but I don’t want to get too deep into temp dynamics. (I’ll write an individual article and link it here when it’s ready.) Temporary dynamics can last a few days up to a few weeks. I assume it could last longer, but the most I’ve seen was two weeks. They take the elements of lifestyle BDSM by incorporating rules and structure. They also focus heavily on tasks and BDSM play because they are limited on time.
By no means are any of these dynamics better than another. It all depends on your needs and what works for you. The most important thing to remember is that BDSM is not always sexual. You can be someone who does not enjoy sexual play or activity and still enjoy many different aspects of BDSM.
What are some things BDSM Lifestylers do?
While they can participate in any type of Kink and any kind of BDSM scene, I’m going to focus on what happens outside of a scene, the lifestyle part.
Lifestyle BDSM is all about integrating BDSM elements into your everyday life. When it comes to power exchange or domination and submission, you can keep power exchange between the people involved outside of a play scene. Setting up expectations and rules and protocols can give the submissive a way to behave all the time, not just when the scene is happening.
This can be done in person or online. However, expectations and rules can differ due to your situation. Some examples of things that a submissive might have to do are:
- Text or a call when they wake up in the morning if they are not in the same location as their other.
- Make the Dominant a cup of coffee or fix their breakfast when they wake up and have it waiting on them.
- Have the Dominant choose undergarments, clothing articles, or a specific color or hairstyle for the submissive to wear.
- Keep count of their food or water intake to ensure they are getting the correct nutrients or hydration that they need.
- Have mandatory check-ins throughout the day unless unable, then should be discussed prior or as soon as availability returns.
- Have dinner ready for Dominant when they get home or when it’s time to eat for the evening.
- Kneel before bedtime for a specified amount of time, or say good night before sleep.
These examples are by no means the only rules, expectations, or activities a submissive might do. Nor are these necessary or needed for you. You build your dynamic with your other(s) and what fits the needs of those involved.
Is it safe to practice BDSM all the time?
It can be, yes. Can it be dangerous? Yes too.
Any aspect of BDSM can be dangerous if you don’t put safety at the forefront, but there are ways to focus on safety. It’s a bit different when it comes to a scene where each activity requires knowledge of how to do that activity safely. Lifestyle BDSM requires its own safety process as well.
Following a safety philosophy (SSC, RACK, PRICK, etc.) that you relate to, understand, and use can help ensure safety. Also, with any dynamic, communication is an absolute must. Taking the time to negotiate expectations, wants and needs, likes and dislikes, and limits can help build a strong foundation for your dynamic. Taking the time to talk about your fears and things that you aren’t sure about can help give you peace of mind and feel comfortable and safe.
It is essential that before you agree to follow any rules or expectations that you go over them first. Write them down, discuss what you are okay with and what you are not. Don’t just consent. Consent in an informed way.
Submissives always struggle with this but speak up and advocate for yourself. A Dominant is not a mind reader and should not be expected to know what the submissive wants. Subs, make sure you voice your thoughts and opinions. You can do it respectfully. Just make sure you don’t keep them to yourself. When you do, you are robbing your Dominant of knowledge they need to know about you. Communicate!
BDSM takes effort, especially lifestyle BDSM. If it’s not something that you want to continually put focus and energy into, lifestyle BDSM may not be for you. And that is completely fine, but knowing this will save you a lot of conflict in the future.
Research, learn, and educate yourself about BDSM and the lifestyle. Understanding your wants and needs can be valuable in finding your happiness in and out of BDSM. Be kinky and stay curious!
