Kinksters exist in a consent-driven reality. It’s how we distinguish play time from abuse. But is just agreeing to something enough? Let’s dive in.
What is consent?
Consent is giving permission or agreeing for specific acts, scenarios, or situations to happen.
What is informed consent?
We know that consent is agreeing to something. But with consent, can you truly agree to something if you aren’t educated or informed on everything you are agreeing to?
Informed consent is when all parties have negotiated beforehand, and are aware of the risks involved before participating in a scene. Informed consent is essential for kink play.
Here’s an example that shows why.
A Dom and sub agree they want to do a rope play scene. The Dom ties the sub up. During the scene, the sub’s fingertips start to go tingly and then fully numb. The restraints get removed, but the numbness doesn’t go away. While playing, the sub’s movement shifted the knot around the sub’s wrist. This put pressure on the wrong point and caused permanent nerve damage.
Both partners consented to the scene but were not informed of all the risks that could occur, and they didn’t know that nerve damage was a potential risk for bondage play. Would that information have changed anything in the scene? We don’t really know, but we do know that, in the least, they would have been informed of the risks.
What is coercion?
Coercion is forcing, threatening, or manipulating someone to do something against their will or their best interest.
Can you have consent and coercion at the same time?
No. Consent is agreeing to participate, while coercion is trying to convince someone to do it. If coercion is used, there is no consent.
What is blanket consent?
Blanket consent is when consent is given for all things, all at once. This means that once consent is given, from that moment on, everything going forward is considered or assumed to be consented to. This does not mean just the kinky part, but the everyday, personal daily life parts too. When someone gives blanket consent, that means the Dominant can choose whatever they want for that person, and that choice is final. While blanket consent is usually observed in Total Power Exchange (TPE) or Master/slave dynamics. You don’t have to have these types of dynamics to give blanket consent.
It’s important to know that giving blanket consent to someone is a very, very big deal and should not be done without strong consideration and negotiations. Full trust in the Dominant is absolutely necessary before consenting to blanket consent. Blanket consent is not something that should be given in a new dynamic or someone you aren’t familiar with. Before giving blanket consent, you need to have faith that the person you are considering giving blanket consent to will not force you to do something that is against your moral conscience.
Also, blanket consent can be given for a scene, and then ends after that scene concludes. However when it comes to dynamics, once blanket consent is given, it is generally not retracted unless the dynamic ends.
What is Free Use?
In kink, free use is a form of blanket consent. But what’s the difference? Free use focuses on sexual use, while blanket consent is consenting to everything sexual or non-sexual. This means that when a couple is following free use, the Dominant can choose to use the sub in a sexual manner any time, any place, anywhere, and however they desire.
Free use isn’t always monogamous. Some dynamics that participate in free use, follow the idea that the Dom can also choose that the submissive sexually services other Doms at any time, any place, anywhere and however they choose.
If this is something you think you want to explore, make sure you negotiate and are completely informed about the expectations and requirements before you consent.
What is CNC?
Consensual non-consent. This is a type of role play scene where the participants agree to a scene where limits and safewords are pre-negotiated. But when the scene begins, they pretend to not consent. This is a form of edge play and can be very dangerous or harmful if not done with extreme caution and care.
In CNC, the “no means yes” scenario is quite popular due to the pretending. Because of this, safewords are super important for CNC scenes. Make sure you negotiate that before you play.
Can you use a safeword in a blanket consent type of dynamic?
The short answer is yes. But, the common answer is no. Unless you are using blanket consent for a temporary scenario, most dynamics that use blanket consent or free use are well-established with a strong foundation. Because of this, when they give their consent, there’s usually no turning back from that unless the dynamic ends.
But can you? Yes.
What do you do if a consent violation occurs?
If you feel like a breach of consent has happened, you need to talk about it. Communication is an essential part of every aspect of BDSM. We are human. We make mistakes. The breach of consent may have been a complete accident. But you won’t know until you talk about it. It can’t not be addressed or dealt with until all parties are aware.
If you have communicated the breach of consent and the other person did it on purpose and purposefully disregarded your limits, then that is a major red flag that shouldn’t be ignored. To protect yourself, the best thing to do would be to distance yourself from them. It will save you a lot of hardship in the long run.
Consent is one of the most important elements in Kink. Educating yourself on all the risks in the different activities that you are interested in is the best and most effective way to ensure your own safety. Making sure you are informed about what you are consenting to will not only elevate your kink game, but will also allow you to explore your kinks more confidently and comfortably. And remember friends, always be kinky and stay curious.
