Hands down, communication is the most important aspect of BDSM. It is the foundation of everything and stretches into all facets of BDSM and Kink.
Why is communication important?
Communication is important for many reasons. It is how we stay safe. It is how we learn and grow. Communication is how we consent to play and alert someone to issues. It is how we ensure transparency and understanding between everyone involved.
What expectations should you have regarding communication?
While everyone does BDSM differently, communication should always be emphasized, encouraged, and expected.
I’ve had my Dominant set a standard for our dynamic, where I was not allowed to keep anything from him. He wanted to know my thoughts, good and bad. He took my thoughts and concerns seriously, but act upon them as he sees best. Even though I might not want to share something, I was expected to regardless. This helps me tremendously because it doesn’t allow me to lie by omission. If there’s something I’m contemplating telling him, and I decide not to, I am disobeying.
This type of responsibility is also known as self-reporting. Self-reporting places accountability on the submissive by having them report the completion or failed completion of any assigned tasks or rules to their Dominant. This style of responsibility works well for brats and submissives who like to find loopholes to get out of things, and it promotes communication between partners.
I also want to add that while communication is super important, there can be some situations when it’s not appropriate. Communicating while scening (aside from alerting to potential problems) is not ideal. Focus on the scene and your partner. Also, for a submissive, during punishment (again, aside from potential problems), communication should be held until the punishment is over.
How often should you discuss things with your partner?
As often as you need. You should communicate before and after a play scene. Communicating during a scene should be held to safety issues and safewords. I personally communicate with my Dominant frequently throughout the day. But I also know people who have a set time every day where they focus on communication. How often and when you need to communicate depends on you and your partner’s needs.
Why are submissives so bad at communicating?
Communication, while very important, isn’t always easy. Submissives, in general, are terrible at advocating for themselves. They struggle with sharing their wants and needs. Some want to go along with their Dominant’s wishes, while others assume their Dominant should know what they need. Both of these can be very dangerous. Assumptions hold bearings in BDSM. It is not fair for a submissive to force their Dominant to be a mind reader. Speak up, advocate, and communicate with your partner. When you don’t communicate, it can lead to animosity between partners as well as fester insecurities.
What are things you should communicate?
Anything and everything. You should communicate your likes and dislikes, wants and needs, insecurities and fears, limits and turn-ons, fantasies and kinks. Also, don’t forget to communicate your thanks and adoration for your partner. Power exchange takes effort on both sides. It never hurts to let them know you appreciate them.
How should you handle conflicts in BDSM?
Disagreements happen and are normal. Everyone handles anger differently. How you handle it can strengthen or weaken your dynamic. Remember, spoken words can not be unspoken.
- Don’t engage when you are mad or upset. When tempers flare, one can say something they may not truly mean.
- Do not point fingers. It takes two to argue, acknowledge your part in the disagreement.
- Listen. Don’t just hear. Listen to your partner’s concerns, even if you disagree with them.
- Remember, that BDSM is between consenting adults, it’s ok to have someone disagree with you. Agreeing to disagree is always an option.
- Remember to always be respectful. Power exchange, regardless of your role, revolves around respect, respect from a submissive to a Dominant, and from a Dominant to a submissive. When people get mad, respect can be the first thing to falter.
Communication can be difficult, but it’s necessary. Make sure it is set as a standard for your dynamic or partnership. The last thing anyone wants is for a relationship to suffer from a lack of communication. Remember guys, be kinky and stay curious!
