Communication is one of the most important aspects of BDSM. It forms the foundation of everything, especially when it comes to setting expectations and having clear negotiations before play.
Why is communication important?
Communication is important for many reasons. It is how we stay safe. It is how we learn and grow. Communication is how we consent to play and alert someone to issues. It is how we ensure transparency and understanding between everyone involved.
What expectations should you have regarding communication?
While everyone does BDSM differently, communication should always be emphasized, encouraged, and expected.
I’ve been in a dynamic where my Dominant set a clear expectation for communication. I was expected to share everything, both good and bad, even when it was uncomfortable.
He wanted to know my thoughts and concerns, and while he would consider them, he still made decisions based on his role.
That structure helped me avoid withholding things or falling into patterns like lying by omission. If I found myself debating whether or not to say something, choosing not to would go against the expectations of the dynamic.
For me, that level of accountability strengthened both communication and trust.
This type of responsibility is also known as self-reporting. Self-reporting places accountability on the submissive by having them report the completion or missed completion of assigned tasks or expectations.
This is something I personally advocate for and practice within my dynamics. It helps prevent things from being withheld or avoided, and it removes the ability to fall back on loopholes or silence.
Self-reporting naturally strengthens communication between partners and builds a stronger sense of accountability and trust.
I also want to add that while communication is super important, there can be some situations when it’s not appropriate. Communicating during a scene (aside from alerting to potential problems) is not ideal. Focus on the scene and your partner. Also, for a submissive, during punishment (again, aside from potential problems), communication should be held until the punishment is over.
This is also where having some kind of structure in place can make a big difference.
If you’re trying to keep communication, expectations, and follow-through consistent over time, I put together a task system workbook that walks you through how to actually organize and maintain that in a way that fits your dynamic.
How often should you discuss things with your partner?
As often as you need. You should communicate before and after a play scene. Communicating during a scene should be held to safety issues and safewords. I personally communicate with my Dominant frequently throughout the day. But I also know people who have a set time every day where they focus on communication. How often and when you need to communicate depends on you and your partner’s needs.
After a scene, communication is just as important. Talking about what worked, what didn’t, and how each person felt helps build trust and improve future experiences.
Why are submissives so bad at communicating?
Communication, while very important, isn’t always easy. Submissives, in general, are terrible at advocating for themselves. They struggle with sharing their wants and needs. Some want to go along with their Dominant’s wishes, while others assume their Dominant should know what they need. Both of these can be very dangerous.
Assumptions have no place in BDSM. It is not fair for a submissive to force their Dominant to be a mind reader. Speak up, advocate, and communicate with your partner. When you don’t communicate, it can lead to animosity between partners as well as fester insecurities.
What are things you should communicate?
Anything and everything. You should communicate your likes and dislikes, wants and needs, insecurities and fears, limits and turn-ons, fantasies and kinks. Also, don’t forget to communicate your thanks and adoration for your partner. Power exchange takes effort on both sides. It never hurts to let them know you appreciate them.
How should you handle conflicts in BDSM?
Disagreements happen and are normal. Everyone handles anger differently. How you handle it can strengthen or weaken your dynamic. Remember, words cannot be taken back once they are said.
- Don’t engage when you are mad or upset. When tempers flare, one can say something they may not truly mean.
- Do not point fingers. It takes two to argue, acknowledge your part in the disagreement.
- Listen. Don’t just hear. Listen to your partner’s concerns, even if you disagree with them.
- Remember, that BDSM is between consenting adults, it’s ok to have someone disagree with you. Agreeing to disagree is always an option.
- Remember to always be respectful. Power exchange, regardless of your role, revolves around respect, respect from a submissive to a Dominant, and from a Dominant to a submissive. When people get mad, respect can be the first thing to falter.
Communication can be difficult, but it’s necessary. Make sure it is set as a standard for your dynamic or partnership. The last thing anyone wants is for a relationship to suffer from a lack of communication. Remember, be kinky and stay curious!
If you’re finding that communication starts strong but becomes inconsistent over time, having a system in place makes a bigger difference than most people expect. This workbook walks you through building a structured task system so communication, expectations, and accountability stay clear and consistent.
Continue Learning About Communication and Healthy BDSM Dynamics
Communication is the foundation of safe and respectful BDSM. These guides help you better understand consent, negotiation, and maintaining strong dynamics.
- BDSM Negotiation – How partners discuss limits, expectations, and consent before play
- BDSM Vetting – How to determine if someone is safe and compatible before engaging
- BDSM Safety – Understanding safety practices that help prevent harm
- BDSM vs Abuse – How to recognize the difference between consensual kink and harmful behavior
