Do you have that person in your everyday life that you go to for advice?  When you have questions, you know they’ll know the answer, or at least be able to lead you in the right direction?  That is a mentor.

What is a mentor?

A mentor is someone in the lifestyle of BDSM that not only has experience in multiple areas in kink but also is knowledgeable in the application and safety of those areas.

What is the purpose of a mentorship?

The purpose of a mentorship is to help someone learn different areas, aspects, and safety practices of BDSM. 

Is being mentored required?

No, but it is beneficial.  Knowledge is valuable.  It can help you strengthen yourself and grow in your role.  BDSM is vast.  A mentor can help you navigate your way through the lifestyle.

Who can be mentored?

Anyone.  Dominants, Switches, and submissives.  Masters and slaves.  Tops and bottoms.  Anyone in BDSM. And while a lot of people try to mentor in the same role as themselves (dominant mentor dominant, submissive mentor submissive), I have seen roles mentor other roles, and those mentorships were just as successful.

What are some things mentors teach and do not teach?

This one is important because I’ve seen many people agree to a mentorship when they did not understand what the expectations truly were.  Simply put, a mentor teaches skills, not behaviors.  A mentor does not train. They teach and educate.  A mentor does not play, sexually or nonsexually, with a mentee.  Sexual favors are not exchanged. 

How do you find the right mentor for you?

By finding like-minded people, in person, or online.  Check out FetLife to be able to learn about your local BDSM community. 

Why might one need a mentor?

Someone might need a mentor if they are dangerously participating in kink. For example, if they are not taking precautions, not following safety protocol, or if they are endangering themselves or others. 

Also, a mentor might be needed if someone is new and overwhelmed.  A mentor can help one navigate and prioritize what they should focus on and what they should check out later.

How long should a mentorship last?

This depends on the needs of those involved.  I’ve seen long mentorships.  I’ve seen short mentorships.  It just depends.

Are there any negatives to having a mentor?

The only negative in having a mentor is if the mentor doesn’t know their stuff. They could potentially teach the mentee incorrect information.  Everyone does BDSM differently. I might teach someone something one way, and someone else might understand it differently and teach it another way.  THIS IS COMPLETELY FINE.  The only time when information needs to be taught the same is when it comes to safety.

Who can end a mentorship?

Anyone involved in the mentorship regardless of the role.

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I think it’s imporant to note that a mentor can be a protector too, but that’s not necessary.  Mentors and protectors are two different roles, and have different goals.  But it isn’t uncommon for someone to combine the two and be both.

Mentorships are not necessary but have tons of positives.  The way you do yours depends on those involved. I’ve seen very casual mentorships, and I’ve seen mentorships that were strict and structured.  Lifestyle learning is important.  Whether you are a mentor or mentee, make sure you have negotiations before agreeing to a mentorship. (Here is a sample of a mentorship contract that I have used as a guide for mentor negotiations in the past. It’s not mandatory, but it’s a great resource. The website it comes from is here.) Communication is vital and will make any mentorship that much more successful. Be kinky and stay curious!