Domination and Submission

Let’s discuss something that might seem like a given.  But it incorporates the whole foundation of power exchange: Domination and Submission.  

What is Domination? 

The definition of domination is to exercise control or influence over someone.

What is submission?

The definition of submission is the state of being obedient, as well as yielding authority or control to someone else

This brings up an important point.  Power vs control.  What’s the difference?

First let’s cover the question, “Who has the power in a BDSM relationship?” (aka a dynamic).

I’ve seen time and time again where people say the submissive has the power.  I think this can be a very dangerous statement, although I do understand why it is said.  In one sense, the submissive does hold the power in a dynamic.  They hold the power of being able to state where they can start and stop a scene with their consent and safe word.  As well as help create the boundaries on what they are willing and not willing to do in a BDSM dynamic.  With all of that said, the Dominant holds the exact same power as well.  They are also able to stop a scene, as well as help create the boundaries on what they will and won’t to do in the BDSM dynamic.  

So why is this dangerous?  This type of teaching, that submissives hold the power, can devalue the structure of domination and submission.  Domination and submission, also known as D/s, is a power exchange relationship.  This means that power is willingly and consensually exchanged from one party to the other.  It’s not a one-way street and it’s not one-sided.  Communication is imperative. And while in a specific moment, one party might have the power and ability to dictate a yes or a no for a specific situation, but in the overall sense, power exchanges and flows back and forth between all people involved.  

You will notice in both of the definitions of domination and submission the word power is no where to be found. However, the word control is.  So, what’s the difference between power and control?

Having power in BDSM is having the choice and the ability to influence the environment and others.  This is held by both parties.  Both consenting parties will communicate and negotiate.  This is where the power lies in power exchange.  

Control is what the Dominant uses to guide their submissive.  Control is the understanding that the Dominant will make choices in the best interest of the submissive.

What sets D/s apart from the vanilla world?

Simply put, enforced rules, structure, and expectations.  While you can have these in a vanilla sense, they rarely are a focus in a non-kink, everyday lifestyle.

Is D/s based around fantasy?

It can be and this is very important.  There is a huge difference between fantasy versus reality. And sometimes when you participate in something in person for the first time, the fantasy of what you thought it would be like, does not match up with the reality of what it actually is like.  

Let me give an example of an impact scene.  Imagine a submissive teasing their Dominant and going a little too far. The Dominant stands up, wraps their hand in their submissive’s hair, drags them into the bedroom, and throws the submissive over the bed. The Dominant, while holding the submissive down as they struggle, pulls off their belt and then begins spanking the submissive over and over.  

This scene can be considered very hot and a huge turn-on for many people.  But in the moment, one might not enjoy it as much as they expected to.  Being dragged by their hair, the sheer pain of their hair being pulled and tugged on, frankly hurts.  As well as being held down in a bed, maybe they can’t breathe very well and have to struggle for air.  And on top of that, feeling the biting leather as it is snapped across the skin each time over and over. The area getting more sensitive and more painful with each strike can all be too much for some people in the moment to actually enjoy.

Now honestly, you might really enjoy this. But for a lot of people, pain fucking hurts, and in the sense of a fantasy, the overall idea can be a huge turn-on.  However, being turned on when something unpleasant is happening to you, in reality, isn’t always what you think it’s going to feel like. And if you find yourself in this situation, that’s okay.  Communicate properly (no one is a mindreader), and remember that just because you like the idea of it, you might not actually enjoy the actions or sensations in the moment.

What types of Dominants are there?

There are many types of Dominant types in BDSM.  I would like to differentiate that a Dominant works in power exchange, and while not all of these need to have power exchange, they can, so I’m including them. Also, you don’t have to like every single role to be considered Dom or sub. You might like a few here and a few there or maybe even just one.

• Dom(Maledom(/Domme(Femdom)– the one who enjoys being control and in charge in a BDSM dynamic
• Daddy/Mommy- a person who is nurturing and/or paternal/maternal in a relationship.
• Sadist– a person who enjoys inflicting consensual humiliation or pain on someone, whether it’s emotionally, mentally, or physically.
• Master/Mistress– a person who consensually takes ownership over someone that they are in a dynamic with.
• Rigger– a person who enjoys tieing someone up, usually with rope.
• Owner/Handler– a person with a Dominant role in a pet-play dynamic or scene.
• Findom– a person with a Dominant role that receives money consensually from a submissive.
• Primal– a Dominant person who is in touch with their more animalistic or ancestral human/animal tendencies when it comes to sexual preference. Primals act more on raw emotion, animalistic instincts, behaviors, and desires rather than structured play.
• Sensualist– a person who focuses on sensual pleasures and interests. Can also be known as a Soft Dom or a Sensual Dom
• Brat Tamer– a Dominant role who plays, trains, or dominates a bratty submissive.
• Top– a person who is consensually in control of the action during kinky activities, but when the activity ends, the control ends too.

What types of submissives are there?

• Sub– a person who agrees to submit or give up control in a relationship, scene, or kinky activity.
• Brat– a person who enjoys being teasing, playful, sneaky, mischievous, stubborn, rebellious, disrespectful, or disobedient in a kink scene or dynamic.
• Little– a person who enjoys participating in kink while having a child-like mindset and/or having child-like behaviors. Their relationships may or may not include a power exchange component.
• Masochist– a person who consensually enjoys receiving pain or humiliation, whether it’s emotionally, mentally, or physically.
• Slave– a person who agrees to give total control to someone that they are in a kinky relationship with.
• Finsub– a person with a submissive role that gives money consensually to a Dominant.
• Rope bunny– a person who enjoys being tied up, usually with rope.
• Prey– a submissive person who is in touch with their more animalistic or ancestral human/animal tendencies when it comes to sexual preference. Preys act more on raw emotion, animalistic instincts, behaviors, and desires rather than structured play.
• Pet– a person who may or may not partake with animal play or identify as having animal tendencies.
• Bottom– a person who agrees to give up control or receives the stimulation during kinky activities that may or may not include submission.

You can also enjoy partaking in both Dominant and submissive roles. That would make you a Switch.

• Switch– a person who participates in relationships, scenes, and/or activities as a Top/Dominant or bottom/submissive depending on their mood, headspace, partner, or the situation.

Some switches enjoy changing their power dynamic during the scene and switch with their partner(s) back and forth. Others may not switch with their partner(s), but might only switch with different people. As an example, someone might feel submissive around Bob, but might feel dominant around Joe.

Being Dominant or submissive doesn’t mean you are better than someone else.  It also doesn’t mean you are less important or less equal to someone. Everyone has the same rights.  Everyone can safeword and stop a scene if needed.  Everyone has to have personal responsibility; it doesn’t fall on just one role or the other.  Being a Dominant doesn’t mean you know everything or have all the answers.  Just as being submissive doesn’t mean you can’t use your voice or aren’t responsible for safety aspects.

What being a Dominant does mean is that you are responsible for your submissive.  You are responsible for making sure your submissive is safe and taken care of and isn’t in imminent danger.  It means that you self-educate and learn about different aspects of BDSM in order to be the best Dominant you can be for your submissive or future submissive.

Being submissive means that you are responsible for communicating properly with your Dominant.  Helping them make sure safety aspects are being followed.  Making sure you can provide for your Dominant in ways that they need just as they do for you.  And it means that you self-educate and learn about different aspects of BDSM in order to be the best submissive you can be for your Dominant or future Dominant.

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When you participate in D/s, the main thing to remember is there is always a sense of power exchange.  How you and your partner(s) define that is up to you and your partner(s).  But when power exchange ends, you are no longer practicing D/s.  Domination and submission can be beautiful.  It can be like a dance between Dom and sub.  And that’s what makes it so fun.  There are so many aspects and ways to explore D/s, as well as so many ways to make it fit your wants and needs.  Have fun exploring BDSM while you embark on your own journey.  And remember be kinky and stay curious!