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Clear, structured guidance on BDSM dynamics, communication

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The only bad question is the one not asked.

Is there something you’ve always wondered, but been too scared to ask? Well, now’s your chance. Ask me anything you would like to know about Kink or BDSM, and I will do my best to answer or point you in the right direction. And don’t worry, all questions are anonymous!

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Curiosities So Far...

  • Curious Kinkster asked:
    on February 23, 2023 11:54 pm
    I've been trying to find the name of a version of kink, that I can only really describe as 'romantic', a lot of kinks I enjoy are found under things like bdsm and abdl but I'm not really interested in the masochistic or sadistic parts, or any of the parts involving pain, but I love so many kinky things, like a want pet play where they put a collar on you as a promise to take care of you, I like latex suits and being restrained, but not the whole making you hurt part that comes up in so much stuff you try to look up, but where the kink and the restraint is more of a promise and a showing of vulnerability, like when you look up kink art so much of it is masochistic and sadistic, I want the sweet parts where its 'oh you want to be dressed up and played with but are to scared to admit it? what if I just tie you up and do it to you? your not gonna complain are you? no? good.' that kind, where its sweet and intimate and kinky. what is that called? what tag would I search to find such things instead of digging thru so much other stuff to find the few gems, I want teasing, and toys, and vibrators, and harnesses, and being tied up, latex suits, pet play, age digression, feminization, getting railed, being trained and seeing how big of a toy one can take, how long can one stand to be in chastity, but I also want romance, and platonic-ish activities, not sadism and masochism or degradation. is this a thing? 'romantic kink'? what is this called? I want to be dressed up and feminized, but in a loving way, like being dressed up for a girls day out, but also made to wear high heels with locks to learn to walk in them and put in a corset and chastity, does this make sense? I get the feeling I'm being wordy and not very clear, I would be so thankful if you could answer this, is there a name for this romantic version of kink?
    • kinkycuriosity replied:
      on February 24, 2023 7:54 am

      Hello,

      You are looking for Sensual Domination. It heavily relies on the senses instead of triggering pain. For example using blindfolds, restraints, lingerie, ice cubes, or even submissive positions like kneeling. It involves praise and rewards (when earned of course), instead of humiliation and degradation. Sensual Domination is a softer, more romantic form of BDSM. I think if you start here, you’ll find more of what you’re looking for.

  • Curious Kinkster asked:
    on December 26, 2022 1:04 pm
    Hello. Me and my boyfriend are very new at D/s. (6 mos) He is the Dom and I the sub. I am a strong willed women, untrusting, controlling and have experienced some emotional sexual trauma in my life. Since I started bdsm with my Dom, I am submissive to him, attentive and want his attention, and I always want to please him and make him happy. He is loving, caring, consistent, and doesn't let me get away with anything. He makes me feel safe and secure. The issue is I sometimes (2x times) have suppressed emotional past memories that get triggered, mostly feeling trapped and anxious, and I will push them down and not use my safe word in fear I will disappoint my Dom and I feel I am breaking the mood and I want to so much please him. He and I talked about it and he is supportive and shown me if I use my safe word. He we stop. I have used it once and he did. I trust him, but when these triggers arise I can't seem to get passed them to say my safe word. I know it isn't fair to him and he can't trust me if I dont use it when I need to. How does a sub move pasted this? is there something you could suggest? thank you JAM
    • kinkycuriosity replied:
      on December 27, 2022 6:06 pm
      Hello JAM,This is a wonderful question and a common thing. This comes down to past triggers, how to get past them, how to communicate them, and how to navigate safety with them.As far as the past triggers go, they will always be there. You can't make them completely disappear, but you can learn to manage them. The only way to really get past them is to practice. The more you face them, the easier it will get to handle them in the way you want to.Communication is 100% the key in how to navigate them during play. And I'm not just talking about communicating during play. You need to talk about it, in depth. Explain the trigger. Explain how it makes you feel. Explain why you think you might feel that way. Explain your fear around the trigger. Explain how you handle the trigger and how you would want to handle it in the future. Talk about aftercare things that would help calm you after you've been triggered. Listen to your Dom for any input. This is very important. If you want to heal and get past these triggers, then this type of communication is necessary.Now let's talk about safety. Sometimes when you are triggered or overstimulated or even overwhelmed, being verbal is difficult. There are ways to convey that you need a break, need a check-in, or that you are not ok without speaking a word. Non-verbal safe words are a great way to tip off that something may be wrong. You could use hand signals. You could have your Dominant place his fingers against your palm and have you squeeze his fingers: 1 for good, 2 for bad. You could hold onto an item that makes noise. You could either rattle or drop it to initiate a check in. There are so many options that don't use verbal cues to help ensure safety.But the most important thing of all, is be lenient with yourself and give it time. The more you play and the more you trust, the quieter the triggers will become. Kink isn't just about play. It's about growth too. And sometimes growing pains can tag along.
  • Curious Kinkster asked:
    on December 7, 2022 3:00 pm
    hi, this is MicahSPH again, can I be a submissive, "Service Topping" and remain straight?
    • kinkycuriosity replied:
      on December 9, 2022 8:45 am
      Hello MichahSPH again,Your kinks do not determine your sexual orientation. Can they influence them? Of course. But they do not determine them. You can be submissive and be straight. You can also Service Top for your Dominant or Play Partner and be straight.Just because people who are not straight enjoy might enjoy some of the kinks that you do, doesn't mean that it changes anything about your sexual preferences.
  • Curious Kinkster asked:
    on December 7, 2022 1:16 pm
    I want to explore chastity but everything I read it wants to feminize me. I might enjoy ass play but I do not want to take part in any feminization. Is it possible to pursue this and not end up a cuckold or fag?Thank you, MicahSPH
    • kinkycuriosity replied:
      on December 9, 2022 8:39 am
      While a lot of kinks can be clumped together because in general, people tend to enjoy common kinks that are related to specific kinks. But that doesn't mean you have to like all the kinks that seem to accompany a kink you enjoy.So, you absolutely can enjoy chastity but not enjoy feminization. Just make sure you are open and honest about your likes, dislikes, and limits. Because one might assume that you enjoy common kinks that tend to pair up with chastity.Also make sure that you find a partner who understands your wants and needs and won't push your limits that you have no interest exploring.
  • Curious Kinkster asked:
    on August 23, 2022 8:53 am
    I am possibly getting into an online temp dynamic in the near future. I am new to this in the online realm. What are some tasks a Dom could give his sub in this dynamic?
    • kinkycuriosity replied:
      on August 24, 2022 2:31 pm
      Congrats on your possible new online dynamic. Online dynamics can have lots of rules and tasks. But the most important part is that you don't agree to do something that you aren't comfortable with or are iffy about. Communicate.Tasks can fall into a range of lots of different categories. You can have tasks that are based on appearance, food/drink, exercise, journaling, daily routine, rewards, BDSM play, sexual play...really anything. Anything that the sub might need help with, might want more structure with, might enjoy doing, can all be tasks.You are only limited by the imagination of those in the dynamic. (Yes a submissive can help a Dom structure their tasks or give ideas if the Dom allows).My article on Rules and Tasks gives examples of specific tasks that can be given if you are wanting more ideas.
  • Curious Kinkster asked:
    on August 19, 2022 7:15 am
    Hi my name is Jon is the UK website mistresses I like to know how do I become a slave
    • kinkycuriosity replied:
      on August 19, 2022 7:31 am
      Hello Jon. I don't understand what you mean by the UK website. But I can give some advice about becoming a slave.Rule #1: you need to research and learn about what being a slave means. You need to research and understand the difference between reality and fantasy. You might like the idea of being told what to do and not have to make choices, but in reality...would you really?You need to understand what you wants, needs, and limits are. This will give you the best opportunity to find a partner that fits you the best. After that, then you can safely begin to look for a match.Good luck!
    • kinkycuriosity replied:
      on August 19, 2022 7:24 am
      Hello Jon. I don't understand what you mean by the UK website. But I can give some advice about becoming a slave.Rule #1: you need to research and learn about what being a slave means. You need to research and understand the difference between reality and fantasy. You might like the idea of being told what to do and not have to make choices, but in reality...would you really?You need to understand what you wants, needs, and limits are. This will give you the best opportunity to find a partner that fits you the best. After that, then you can begin to look for a match.
  • Curious Kinkster asked:
    on August 14, 2022 1:59 pm
    Sissy is a kink not a gender.  It is a kink that revolves around demasculinization.  But you don't have to be cis male to be masculine.  So anyone who falls into this category and enjoys this kink could be a Sissy.
    • Curious Kinkster asked:
      on August 6, 2022 8:23 pm
      This is specifically about the sissy kink since I do see some overlap into being trans on some of them so are some "sissies" trans women or are the exclusively cis men? I did see some over lap but not enough to know the answer. so are they?
      • Curious Kinkster asked:
        on June 24, 2022 9:26 pm
        I live in a small town 200 miles away from Sacramento I've been crossdressing for about ten years now and I want to know is there any way that I could get an agency or know where to hook up and chat with people that either a door or involving crossdressing or in singles please help
        • kinkycuriosity replied:
          on June 24, 2022 9:45 pm
          Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with any agency. But I would recommend to check out FetLife and see if there are any local or semi-local groups where you could interact with people who also enjoy crossdressing. And maybe attend some events of the same interest.
      • Curious Kinkster asked:
        on June 23, 2022 7:37 am

        Hi there hope u well….i recently started to get more interested in bondage its a turn on for me…but my wife dislikes it…im want to learn more and would like to experience it but dont know how and where to start…Mark

        • kinkycuriosity replied:
          on June 23, 2022 9:17 am
          Hello Mark,Bondage is a wonderful and fun kink to learn, but it comes with many risks and safety precautions that you should be aware of BEFORE you ever begin to participate.I would start out by googling "BDSM Rope Safety" and research that before you ever begin. After that, there are some really good online resources to help you learn your knots and ties. I highly recommend learning your knots first. While they aren't as fun, learning and knowing your knots will lead to amazing, beautiful, and SAFE ties.I recommend learning from TheDuchy.com, and also YouTube is a great resource. Two Knotty Boys on YouTube is a wonderful start as well. These are not the only great resources out there, but they will get you started and you can explore further from there.